submission

thoughts keep growing , and God is so awesome!

submission is something ive been looking at lately. its a difficult thing for me. my view of submission, my definition, has been wrong.

before: [in a marriage] disagreeing about something, maybe even fighting. (im afraid of anger) someone gets angry, maybe both. anger is bad and scarey; bad things might happen- so the person most afraid (weakest, and usually not angry/not showing anger at all) "gives in" to the other. still not agreeing, but has to go along and be submissive, because its the christian thing to do. have to have a unified front.



so, personally, ive taken on this aforementioned perception as truth. the submission passage in the bible never was explained well in my circles.

im going to maybe get into some redundancy here; theres some really good places ive walked around in my journal and im just going to type that out.

--ive viewed it as an aquiescing of my will to someone elses, particularly in the context of an arguement, with anger happening. i think im a person that fights letting someone "win" because i think my thoughts are best- and when i realize they arent, the fact that i was so adamant makes it worse and i go to shame. embarrased that im wrong.

funny that i see submission as something that has to happen when theres a disagreement.

sad that i see it happening in 2 ways- what i just mentioned, and then my becoming "small" when theres anger(because of fear of the outcome of the others' anger, or that my response will be too big for the other person to handle).

im worried that in my marriage, i will get into a fight and there will be anger and yelling, that the issue wont get resolved because one of us will leave[not permanently]. mostly afraid he will walk away.

i dont disagree with people i love unless i know theyll stay present/ love me back.

....

ive been looking for places to stay in a disagreement[for practice].

....

i think there needs to be a sense of respect; my knowing he respects me will bring me to a place of respect for him. i dont give out respect easily at all. as i will see him taking care of my thoughts and weighing what i say-giving my respect, time, an ear- i will be catipulted into reality. and then i will be safe, no fear of what i think arguments, anger, and submission portend. --

so im growing in this place. and it is glorious!