my most favorite number[26, for those of you who are slow]

i had the most lovely birthday weekend. when first presented with some of the people that were there, or some of the turns our plans took, i was wondering- sometimes flustered, sometimes mad, and sometimes elated. but looking back, it was perfect.
i got a full-ish moon lit night on the beach with some fire and good times, a morning of sunrise and God-gift of morning beach, sunglasses, and waffles.
i recieved bubbling laughter and the joy and entertainment of my sister and brother being awesome.
i got inventive and thoughtful planning from my da and the unwavering consistency of a nurturing mother.
noah gave me the joy and excitedness of being an equal, and enjoying doing things. im glad to protect him like a sister and leave the mom stuff to the moms. he shows up to me as a safe place for my hugs and leanings to land- i love having him around to shower my love for him on. i wish we were around each other more. im thankful for the gift of him exercising with me; he could be frustrated with my weakness, but he's not. and i love that he finds me safe to place his ideas, thoughts and frustrations in.
im thankful for the ways rachel is showing up as taking care of herself. it allows me to let her take care of me. and she is a wonderful caregiver. she gave me a soft place to land when all my disappointment, anxiety, and sadness culminated at the end of the trip. her taking care of herself and knowing when to rest has been restful to me and my joy for the purpose of her life is growing. i am super filled with smiles now that i can call her a friend.
jon gave me new things to try- one i didnt like, one i did[and am really pretty good at. allthough i dont know the worth of boasting a high pain tolerance]. im thankful that he sacrificed and brought rachel, and then again to take david [a guy who is at fort sam. friend of a mutual friend, we offered him a ride back]. didnt know it then, but i needed him to not be in the car on the way home. God had plans for my heart.
dan offered his fire skills, and they did not disappoint. he is always offering his presece and service, and it has always made me feel taken care of and a lady.
mallorie is always saying yes to entering life with me. she took good care of my cats- like she always does, and gave a day of her time, so close to her own birthday, to go to a wedding of a woman she doesnt know, and stay late to eat and have fellowship before a late drive back. and she never works hard at giving of herself; she gives what she can, and is kind to herself in letting the rest grow at its own pace until it can be given too.
jason wanted to spend a bit of time with me in my festivities. he couldve written me off when i didnt answer his messages, and just taken more time to be alone with his friend. but he didnt give up, and he spoke hopeful words. hearing hope from jason was beautiful, and called me to more life.
i dont know edward very well, but he loves me like a brother, and seeing that he lived in my house for a little while and was mothered/ fathered by my parents, i feel a connection to him that is easy and kind. he always brings joy to the moment with his african way of looking at things, and his wit. hes always interested deeply about peoples well- being, and its nurturing.
i am excited about having a new friend in david.
im thankful for dj and gabbi, and the easy friendship there. its so weird to love people deeply when youre not really involved in their lives. it almost doesnt matter that im not involved.
i was able to rest in a lovely big brother-edness from dj. ive known him since i was 14. thats 13 years.
getting to play soccer and not feeling ashamed for my lack of ability was , well, this: :-D
i revel in the pain of my muscles and knee; i have had fun with soccer and fighting surf. my heart is alive in places, and i try to quiet it. the people around me this weekend called those places out, and i let them. and then God gave me sunglasses. i was enjoying the morning on the beach, and found some fossil glasses. they are squarish and black, fading into a clear greenish- blue in the earpieces. it reminds me of water; theres also a rippled effect cut into the earpieces. i was happy about my find, and theyre comfy, and i needed them that day- it was bright. there is even more providence, though. i had other glasses with me. i wouldve worn them. but they are more uncomfortable,and i know towards the end of the day/ trip i wouldve rather suffered a bit than leave them on. but they were comfy and new and pretty and free, and all these reasons kept them near all day[ not to mention the fact rachel has an eyeglass fetish].
He is kind. on the ride home, rach and i were alone, and we started talking about my heart.
i dont usually let it get out of control or long winded.
in the past i had contempt for rachel being someone i could let hold my pain. she wasnt being kind to her own, so how could she be kind to mine? and i also would feel badly- shes been in so much physical pain, why put more emotional pain on top of what she already wades through?
but shes been in stages of growth, and has stepped into reality with me more frequently. and God has been softening my girl heart into a womans heart, allowing me to humbly and consistently cry my pains out in front of her, while still letting me feel safe behind those glasses. if i ever lose those glasses i think i might go into mourning.
i was going to tell of some of our travels through my heart, but i think i' ll let myself sit with them more first, and also this is long. tbc