my heart is sad and slow

hi. i know i just blogged last night. i felt i had to- get out what i was holding with the new class/ discussion group, and because people wanted me to. now, its just me.

my grandma was here this weekend. its always ambivalent. i love her, esp when shes at rest. i love that we can just bum around and be easy. ya know, when youre with someone that knows you. and is like you.
its easy that way.
i am alot like her. i see the things i hate about how she interacts, in me. i see the things i love, and am SO grateful i can carry them on.
she can be annoyingly dogged in how she expects certain things from people. demands a standard, demands them to show themselves. when she gets a thought in her head, she goes with it! and is all intense and if its wrong, and shes misunderstanding something, it takes a while to explain it. and then, she cant just say, oops/ ok, and be done.
she gives. and she loves people.
she was so excited about the haven for hope, and followed everything about it as it was in the works. we used to feed the homeless in downtown cc. she loves the homeless. we always encourage her to just do that. she hates all the rules and bureaucracy of the organized places.
[it took me a long time to figure out how to correctly spell bureaucracy.]
she wanted to go see h4h. so we go. they have their own signage on i-10, so you know just how to get there. its beautiful.
her heart was pounding. she was really excited to just see it. we walked up to the doors of the intake area, just to see when it was open. just to look around. this guard was making sure no one came near the train that passes straight through the complex. he eyed us warily.
we let him know we were just looking at the times. then the door opened. i had already teared up at feeling the Spirit of God in her rejoicing, and as we talked to this beautiful, gracious man, and my grandma tried to convey her joy, i was glad i had my sunglasses on.
its weird , the moments i feel weak and dont want anyone to see. i knew they could see me though. sunglasses made me feel safe, anyway.
he copied off the guest/ member booklet for her, and some of the pages from the website. we were overwhelmed. its a great place.
it was her grandparent day present.
i didnt know it was grandparent day- she did. [go me!]
we drove around the complex and saw a man that had literally just been mugged- his bloodied forehead was very bright, and he was very drunk. i felt unsafe. thats the dang problem with these big cities. in corpus, all these more "slummy" areas were normal. sa has a way of drawing lines.
my grandma didnt feel unsafe. we turned back around and she bought some water for him. while doing so, the ambulance and a police car came up. he was trying to run away, he wanted none of it. of course they found him. gma and i walked over and we were still a bit away. i encouraged her to jog over and ask him if he wanted the water.
he refused, and she said he was so gone. but called her ma'am.
i cant convey now, how much my grandma is effected by people like this. she wants to take them in and make them better. she cries over them at night and her passion for them is contagious.
i love her.
i pray that when her cat dies on her, she would feel more free to go where ever and give her heart the way she wants to.
she left today and part of me felt sad- we had just gotten to a point where we were talking alot. we like to talk. another part was glad because we're both intense, even when we're quiet.
im sad right now- its almost 8, and very quiet and reflective in my heart.