i was kinda pissy at work. sometimes i am.
we had a girls night last week, and karaoke'd. im always worried that people will be like, ow, she needs to not sing. i tried only on the ones i felt i could do.
if i dont know a song very well, im pretty muchly tone-deaf. weird. i thought i was better than that.
anyways.all this set- up cuz after work we were talking about it and there were only like 5 people in this convo. long story short it sounded like 2 ladies basically have a thought that i cant really sing.
never mind. not long story short. just story. suck it up or leave.
jaime is a conservative christian. we dont really think she'll ever come to these things, and she prob wont cuz theres drinking ususally. she was telling the hostess [brandi]what she heard about the great singing time we had. jessica, my hygienist friend had been there and crissell, the absolutely amazing coordinator of all our events.
they started talking about how i sang some, and i cant really remember all that was said. but i mentioned i sing better with different songs[ or something to that nature] and jaime put out celine dions name. i was like, yea. --i mean, obviously i couldnt really sing like her. but it would sound better than some of the other things i attempted.
both jessica and crissell disagreed pretty strongly with that.
later on i realized i went into shame and sadness over this. i denied them, that they havent really ever heard me sing, for reals.
after a little battling for my heart, brandi agreed with me that i have a nice voice, and shes heard me sing. by then i was in battle mode, esp when jessica said shes heard me sing. i denied it all, and said they have only heard me playing around when singing.
out of everything i wish i could do/ be, singing is pretty much at the top. dancing is under it. nebulous "art" is somewhere in there.
i have a deep fear that im tone -deaf, really, and people just shy away from commenting on my singing ability. i have a deep fear that my voice is just -eh. ok. and i have a deep fear of people hearing me.
back to the story. i was wounded bad. i was putting in a clinical note at the time, and kept fighting back tears and wondering WHY IN GODS NAME WAS I TORN UP ABOUT THIS? they hadnt been cruel at all. and jessica isnt afraid to tell me like it is.
i just took in a fact that not everyone thinks my voice is beautiful, esp when its scared and has had some alcohol. more than that.
theres a truth that im just very normal. and i dont have an outstanding singing voice. i was hoping so badly that a veil would be rent someday and i would hear some truth my heart knew about being a singer.
i almost cant believe im telling yall this. it hurt so much today. thinking about it and typing has made me cry again, but not as painfully.
hearing those ladies make that stark judgement on my ability sent me to difficult places. i started listening to lies today. just a little. i stayed away from feeling depressed mostly. but it made me second guess other things i think about myself, like how attractive i am.
i stayed in pretty safe places with that- however safe you can be there, is debatable.
was birthed from that was going trial on match.com
i know. once i got over the initial- ah!- of it, it feels normal- ish. i almost subscribed. but im going to sleep, and see how i feel in the morning about a 6 month subscription and future bad/awkward dating experiences.
[its kinda exciting!!!]
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