i go silent when i feel like/when i know im disappointing someone. i didnt know i was so effected by my failure, or projected failure.
the words just dont come easily.

ive been overeating. i told some friends last night, and one of them actually told me it was ok, after i said i wanted to eat more the other day, and did, even when my stomach was literally hurting.
i felt very alone. and they watched me eat a burger, a hot dog, good [bad] amount of chips, and a pint of ice cream. i stopped myself from picking up the last hot dog.

today i am mindful about food. i still dont feel like i completely know the reason. but i do know i need to stop.
i do know i woke up very sad today. didnt include people at church, didnt make a huge effort to talk to people. some were uncomfortable w this.
listened to the song by third day today at church- dont you know ive always loved you? ...etc.
cried, loved that it felt like God was singing to me. later, reading t's blog right now, she has jj hellers' love me for me on there. listened and cried again. this time realizing its not enough for me right now. i hate that. told God its nnot enough- his love, if its all i need, why doesnt it satisfy me? why am i still completely and gut -wrenchingly discontent, and wanting a mans arms wrapped around me?
its a hard place to sit. i know my desires are good. i feel like they somehow "get loose" and run around crazy destroying good around me.