last post i was in a good place, and told yall i would tell more later- but ive forgotten. heh. i dont piss on the israelites anymore for their waywardness. ive read exodus before and have thought- they are so stupid! cant they remember his goodness?! well, cant i ?
and is it so hard for me to see what hes done?
::exactly::
my finances arent as crazy anymore, so thats nice. im not having to work over them so much. my secret? not caring as much!! like, i would balance away and stress and plan EVERYTHING out as much as i could....bleh. now, i just am telling myself no way more in all areas, and pretending, when i get my paycheck, that thats all the money i have.
so now its slowly building. because theres some there that i "dont know" is there. i find it super hilarious that im psyching myself out, and i really know im doing it. how in the world does that work?!
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theres been a lot of spiritual fighting lately, and its revolved around the kids club. i didnt realize that until today. its good to know that we're fighting. it looks like there is someone interested in helping, and we're meeting friday to talk it all out and hopefully get all settled.
i was getting so restless about my apt and my stuff, feeling the pull of wanting nothing to my name --seriously, how cool would it be to be able to put everything you "own " in your car?-- AND wanting a really nice house with alot of nice and well made things and be settled and invitey.

i still would rather live with someone, but it looks like i'll be on my own a little more, since kids club is most likely going to come together.
i think im going to have slumber parties when i feel lonely. i just thought of that right now. who knows if id actually do it.
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that romanian guy has been giving me angry worrying rawr bleh. let me explain. i was able to talk it out of me just tonight to mallorie, all that im thinking about this. it was good. thanks mal for listening.
hes only talked about movies and 2 country songs that he likes. encouraging me to watch these christian movies, and only after the second country song link, asking me if i liked country... not what type of music i like.
he hasnt brought up any actual conversation that is worth having. keep in mind hes 37, has a job as a real estate agent, and has worked as an IT guy. he wants to make christian movies.

sounds like an interesting person. but he hasnt brought up any relational type of talk, just that hes glad we're friends, and he did that by a group email w a married couple that are mutual friends. and hes not given any interesting topics to talk about.
and have i mentioned that it REALLY bothers me that he hasnt tried to get me really talking about anything?
and then he asks me if i want to give him my number, so we can talk on the phone--- and im left thinking, about what? to just be friends? because i have enough friends. i dont need a 37 yr old single guy from ny to talk to randomly.. i barely spend time on the phone with other friends that im closer to and actually love because i know them.
im just so angry because i want someone to be interested in me like he seemed to be when he came, and then actually pursue me strongly where theres really open communication and i dont have to second guess if hes interested, and that its someone i actually am attracted to! i find myself getting tired and thinking about settling, and just letting this happen and setting all my joys aside and supporting him in his movie passion-- this is what this girl thinks about. and then i get depressed, because i know i cant love anyone well if im just throwing myself away.

need to find a balance of self- sacrifice that is good, while not losing myself. and that should come way more easily when i actually love someone.

i dont want to just not respond to him. i feel thats super ugly to do. so im stuck with, how to respond thats not evil- because i have that tendency, esp with all this ammo i just explained, and to still not lead him on.
i think im just going to let it chill a little longer. bah. i want to be able to just say, no, i dont want to talk on the phone. and leave it! but i want to explain. gah! ill start trying to give a good answer in my head, bc i feel people deserve answers, and its ugly to just not say anything, but every time i do, it turns biting.
ok, im going to just stop talking about this and let it sit for a few more days.
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today was nice and slow/ steady at work! it was great. relaxing. i had energy coming home, and was mentally still going, and i worked out a *tiny* bit and kinda actually made dinner, read, did some papery things that needed doing, vacuumed.... just generally got caught up w my life! feelsgood.
so i keep getting so frustrated about this romanian guy.