a vow that was broken - then redeemed!

when i was 15 i made a vow. "vows" are lies we believe about ourselves and also God. they are a major place we tend to live out of. alot of people dont know theyve made vows, but they usually start with, :i'll never. or something like it.

so, when i was 15 i was in love with this guy. i was mature for my age, and he was 20. i was thinking, hes still in school, he can totally wait. anyway. i wasnt on his radar, and one night i realized it and was crushed.

i was pretty confused at that point why God hadnt let me see that any guys were attracted to me.

i wanted to know i was beautiful and desirable enough, which is a girls deepest question.

that wasnt getting answered for me, and i wasnt understanding the God timing thing. he seemed harsh, and very silent.

i wondered if He wanted me to be single. so far in my fifteen years, all signs pointed to that.

so out of bitterness, deep disappointment, rebelllion, some anger, and confusion, i decided i would never let my heart hurt so much like that again, and would try to be single.

ever since then, id just desperately wished that God had made me differently.

why did i have to be one of the single ones? when i wanted to be married so badly?



fast forward years, and i think it was 2 years ago, i broke my vow in my parents living room. i called the lies what they were and spoke the truth about who i am in Christ, and how he's made me. my parents agreed. [they had asked me just to pray, since they really didnt grasp the concept completely at the time!]

wooot! no more lies. God has been faithful to root out all the little remnants, and he will continue to do so in his goodness. i love my Gentleman.



because of the lies i was believing, i had made myself this loophole. if i couldnt have God and man, id just make man my god. so i idolized alot of the guys i was subsequently attracted to. [i jump on and off guy trains like crazy]

this was still happening, although i had been getting better about learning the fact that i could be completely devoted to God and have a husband.

ok, to the main point. a few days ago, He blew me away.

it had started again, where i was struggling to not idolize, and in church- and other places- he continually spoke the need for my affection to be placed on him.

and i do want this. i desire to be so completely focused on him, that our relationship is so full and it overflows to the people around me.

i hope to be a beacon and blessing.

my Gentleman held out his hand in this moment, and quietly reminded me of my grasping fear of being alone. husbandless type alone.

my dichotomous thinking hadnt worked, it was just making me crazy. i saw in a flash that i would never be able to rest if i kept worrying and focusing on my "prospects"- or lack of. my heart keeps expanding to hold more of Him, and i want more. it finally sunk in that my life really doesnt matter. my being married wont make my callings/ passions easier to deal with. i cant wait for my husband to arrive to feel like im really walking in my destiny/purpose/ whatever you want to call it. and i can rest that my God is good, and my Daddy gives good things. if there is a man out there for me, he will come along.
this is the beautiful part. parts of my old vow were coming out of my heart. and out of my mouth. they were barely recognizable. where before there was bitterness and rebellion, now there is true submission in thankfulness. theres joy. theres rest. theres no disappointment, but trust, and hope. and theres no confusion.
im reading 1 corinthians backwards. today was the day for the end of chapter 7. this is the passage that paul (?) speaks of marriage, and that its better for people to stay as they are, because the time is short.
ive always had a huge problem with this passage; it bothered me and confused me. the confusion was from not wanting to accept it and trying to find some sort of personal loophole. i read it in truth today. and it was beautiful. i do want my concern to be about the Lord and how to please him. this is where im at.
yes, im still hoping for my husband to come soon. but im definitely not standing at the end of a driveway, straining my eyes with looking.
thanks for sticking with this, jenn. i know its alot!